Recognising the Warning Signs of Abuse: Building Safe and Healthy Marriages

While not every troubled marriage involves abuse, some harmful relationships are wrongly dismissed as ordinary marital disagreements. Behind closed doors, spouses may experience humiliation, threats, manipulation and fear while being encouraged to remain silent to preserve their families or religious commitments.

In a discussion on healthy relationships, writer Laina Makuzha draws attention to the importance of distinguishing normal relationship challenges from patterns of behaviour that undermine another person's dignity, freedom and safety.

Drawing on the book Mending the Soul: Understanding and Healing Abuse by theologian and counsellor Steven R Tracy, Makuzha explains that abuse goes beyond physical violence. It involves the misuse of power to control, exploit, intimidate or silence another individual.

Abuse can take several forms, including physical, emotional, verbal, financial and spiritual mistreatment. Examples include threatening a partner, deliberately humiliating them, controlling their money, restricting contact with relatives and friends, manipulating them emotionally or using religious teachings to justify harmful behaviour.

According to the discussion, some individuals who engage in abusive conduct may not consider themselves abusive. They may defend their actions as discipline, correction, protection or a response to anger.

However, an important way of examining such behaviour is to consider its impact on the other person. If a spouse consistently feels frightened, powerless, confused or unable to express themselves freely, the relationship may involve serious patterns of abuse.

Makuzha emphasises that love should not be used as an excuse for controlling or terrorising another person. Recognising harmful behaviour is essential for accountability and the development of healthier relationships.

The effects of abuse can also extend beyond couples and affect children growing up in such households. Children who regularly witness intimidation, disrespect and violence may begin to regard these behaviours as normal.

Conversely, homes where parents demonstrate mutual respect, listen to one another and take responsibility for their mistakes can help children develop healthier attitudes towards relationships.

The discussion also examines the responsibility of churches and religious leaders in responding to domestic abuse.

Churches are often among the first places couples approach when experiencing marital difficulties. However, some victims have reportedly been advised to pray harder, remain submissive, forgive quickly or avoid speaking publicly about their experiences to protect family reputations.

Tracy's teachings challenge such responses, arguing that religious principles should never be used to expose victims to further harm.

Forgiveness should not mean returning to an unsafe environment, while submission should never be interpreted as accepting cruelty. Similarly, religious grace should not be used to remove accountability for harmful actions.

Church leaders are therefore encouraged to recognise possible warning signs, including a partner who becomes unusually withdrawn, someone who appears frightened to speak freely or a relationship in which one individual exercises excessive control over every discussion and decision.

When such indicators emerge, the safety of the affected person should take priority.

The article also highlights the importance of responding appropriately when someone discloses that they are experiencing abuse.

Rather than dismissing their concerns or offering general religious advice, friends, relatives and community members should listen without judgement, acknowledge their experiences and reassure them that the abuse is not their fault.

Providing emotional support and helping survivors access professional counselling and appropriate assistance can be important steps towards recovery.

Abuse must also be treated as a matter of personal safety and, in certain circumstances, a legal concern. Physical violence, sexual abuse and situations in which children are at risk may require intervention from relevant authorities and qualified professionals.

Religious support can play an important role, but it should work alongside practical measures that protect victims from further harm.

For survivors, rebuilding their lives can take time. Professional counselling, support networks, establishing healthy boundaries and restoring confidence are among the measures that can assist the healing process.

The discussion also addresses individuals who have engaged in abusive behaviour, emphasising that meaningful change requires more than apologies or promises. It involves admitting wrongdoing, accepting responsibility, seeking appropriate help and demonstrating consistent behavioural change.

Ultimately, the message is that marriages, families and churches should be environments where people experience dignity, respect and security. Recognising abuse, challenging harmful behaviour and supporting those affected are important steps towards creating safer communities.

Source: The Herald